Why, yes, in fact, I AM a tool. Also, here is a very fugly tart:

"No, Keith, you can't Taser an eight-year-old just because they cut you in line to get to Harry Potter. You're 47. Deal with it."

Harry Potter mania has gripped the nation, enchanting pre-pubescents and 40-something basement-dwelling fantasy fiction aficionados alike. The seventh installment was released today, and it is everywhere. Like counting Christmas trees, I've been counting the number of books I've seen people carrying (although I've yet to see one tied to the roof of a car.) Three in the nail salon, two people on random benches reading, one under the arm of a crazed-looking woman in the elevator, two in the gym (okay, one of them was mine - I opted for the stationary bike so I could read while exercising, and let me tell you, it is intense.)
My roommate pre-ordered hers on Amazon, and has been running to the front door every hour on the hour to see if it's arrived. Two hours, ago, she left to go sit on a baby or something to that effect, and asked me to keep and eye out on the front stoop for it and "make sure nothing happens to it." This was said with the all the gravity of someone expecting a live infant or small animal to be dropped on the doorstep. Well, lo and behold, the mailman decided to come when I was at the gym and no one was home, and instead of leaving the book on the doorstep, he left a slip requesting her to come pick it up at the post office. Heartless bastard. The kicker is, the post office closed at 4 and isn't open again until Monday. I can only imagine the bloodbath that will ensue when my roommate returns.
In the spirit of Harry Potter, though, I decided to make a treacle tart last night, an English dessert that appears frequently in the books. This is typically made with something called golden syrup, which is a byproduct of molasses production, and is found at specialty food stores. Since I didn't feel like journeying to the seventh circle of hell in pursuit of this elusive substance, I tracked down a recipe that uses maple syrup instead. It turned out...interestingly. I'm not sure I did anything wrong - the texture of the pie was fine, etc., it was just an odd taste. I don't know. Try it, see if you like it. If you don't, go give it to the Harry Potter weirdo who lives next door.

Treacle Tart
Recipe adapted from the 1000 Best-Ever Recipes cookbook.
Serves 4-6.

Almost a cup of maple syrup (a little more than ¾ a cup)
1 ½ cups plain breadcrumbs
Grated rind of 1 lemon
2 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice
2 circles (1 box) pre-made pie crust, chilled (why make your own when that little doughboy does it for you?)

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
2. Line an 8-inch pie dish with one of the circles of pie crust, being sure to press it flush against the sides of the pan. If there is extra pastry hanging over the edges of the pan, fold it under, then crimp the edges with your fingers. Mine always tends to look hopelessly lopsided.
3. In a saucepan, warm the syrup until it’s thin and runny. Stir in the breadcrumbs and lemon rind. (If the mixture seems too dry, add a bit more syrup.) Let sit for 10 minutes, then stir in the lemon juice.
4. Spread the syrup/bread crumb mixture into the pie dish.
5. Unroll the other pie crust circle and slice into thin strips with a pizza cutter. Mutter curse words (softly, if there's kids in the audience) when you can’t cut even-looking strips.
5. Lay four strips of pastry vertically over the pie filling, then four horizontally, making a criss-cross pattern.
6. Bake on 400 for 10 minutes, then lower the heat to 350 and bake another 15-20 minutes until golden brown.
7. Serve with ice cream or whipped cream, and wonder why wizards like this shit so much.