My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my wife, Oprah.

Went to a friend's birthday party last night. It was a lot of fun, but there's nothing quite like standing in a room with friends you haven't seen in a long time, couples that you know, and hearing them introduce each other as, "my fiancé." Your heart kind of does a doubletake and you realize that you're at the point where DANG, people you know are getting married, and suddenly fifth grade, where holding hands was a big deal, seems impossibly far away. It's weird the kind of mini-life-evaluation that goes on in the seconds after you hear a friend is getting married. I'm definitely on the career track right now, not the marriage-babies-house track, and it's weird because there was a time when I thought the situation was opposite. (I rather like my life as it is, however - this entry is extremely light on the self-pity.)

My coping mechanism last night, when I felt like life was moving a little too fast, was to go sit in the corner with a slice of the cheesecake I brought to the party, hunched over in a brilliantly anti-social maneuver.

Chocolate always seems to calm me down.

Chocolate Cheesecake

Adapted from Food Magazine

9 oz. chocolate wafer cookies

6 Tbsp. butter, melted

4 bars of Neufchâtel or light cream cheese (8 0z. each)

3/4 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup powdered sugar

1/2 tsp. salt

4 eggs

1 cup light sour cream

8 oz. semisweet chocolate

Bourbon Chocolate Ganache (recipe below)

chocolate chips (for garnish)

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

]2. Place wafer cookies is a plastic bag and hit them with a frying pan until they are finely ground. (There are other ways to do this, such as the use of a food processor, but I find none so satisfying as the beat-to-a-pulp-with-a-large-metal-object method.) Dump cookie crumbs in a bowl and add melted butter, stirring to moisten.

3. Press cookie crumbs firmly into bottom of a 9 or 10-inch springform pan in an even layer. Bake crust for 10 minutes, then set aside to cool.

4. In a double boiler, melt chocolate, stirring constantly until smooth. Set aside.

5. In a large mixing bowl, beat cream cheese, sugars, and salt with a hand mixer until smooth. Add eggs one at time, beating to incorporate, then add sour cream, then finally melted chocolate, beating to incorporate it all.

6. Pour filling into crust and bake for 1 hour. Turn oven off, then let cheesecake sit an additional hour in the oven. Do not open the oven at any point in the baking process. (This is supposed to prevent the top of the cheesecake from cracking, but I was determined not to open the oven, not even for a peek, and mine cracked like the Grand Canyon anyway. Bollocks.)

7. Cool completely, then refrigerate 6 hours or up to overnight.

8. Prepare chocolate ganache, unmold the cheesecake from the pan, and spread ganache over the top. Rim the edge with chocolate chips if you feel fancy.

Bourbon Chocolate Ganache

1 cup heavy cream

1 1/2 cups of semisweet chocolate chips (or 10 oz. finely chopped semisweet chocolate)

2 Tbsp. bourbon whiskey

1. Bring cream to a boil in a medium saucepan.

2. Remove cream from heat, then add chocolate and bourbon. Let stand for 3 minutes, then whisk until smooth.

3. Pour chocolate mixture into a medium bowl and refrigerate until thick and spreadable, 2-3 hours.

Will not give you Ham Arm, or Jellbows

"You said I must eat so many lemons, because I'm so bitter; I said I'd rather be with your friends, mate, 'cause they are much fitter."

Hello, darlings. Below is a light version of cheesecake that is just divine, so divine in fact that I've convinced myself that there is no shame in having a slice or two for breakfast. It's made with fat free cream cheese, after all. Substitute Splenda for the sugar, and you might as well eat it for lunch and dinner, too.

Also, have I ever mentioned how absolutely lovely Washington D.C. is?

Lemon-ish Cheesecake
Adapted from Paula and Weight Watchers

For Le Crust:
1 1/2 cups low-fat graham crackers, crushed
1 tbsp. light corn syrup
2 tbsp. butter

For Le Cheesecake:
4 8 oz. pkgs. nonfat cream cheese
1 1/4 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 egg whites
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 tbsp. lemon juice
1 tbsp. lemon zest

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
2. Melt butter in the microwave, and combine with smushed graham crackers and corn syrup to form a crumbly sticky mess. Press mess into bottom of a 9-inch springform pan.
3. Beat the 4 packages of cream cheese with a stand mixer until smooth. Add the sugar and beat until fluffy.
4. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating to incorporate after each egg.
5. Beat in the egg whites, vanilla, lemon juice, and lemon zest.
6. Pour into springform pan, and bake for 55-60 minutes until the edges have set and the middle is still a little jiggly, like Aunt Sally's arm fat. Okay, that's gross.

Pour Some Sugar On Me

Awkward-looking and unthreatening. Just like I like my men.

Last night, in some convoluted twist of fate, I ended up at this club, er, lounge in Dupont called Play. I quickly concluded that no one should ever go there unless they are one or more of the following:

a. German and looking to socialize with fellow countrymen
b. A lonely woman interested in meeting up with a forty-something sexual predator
c. A house music enthusiast who enjoys dancing for forty minutes at a time to THE SAME BEAT
d. Someone whose extracurriculars of choice include lines of cocaine, pumping iron, and wearing sunglasses indoors, especially at night

Don't worry, if you're an anorexic who wears band-aid-sized clothes, you'll fit in just fine. Needless to say, I did not.

The whole thing left me happy I was a drug-free, normal-sized American with arguably decent taste in music.

If you're looking for a shot of normalcy in your everyday, these cookies should do the trick. Wholesome like Sandy and easy like Rizzo, there's no excuse not to make them every once in a while. Sure to win over even the sleaziest lounge lizard.

Sugar Cookies
Recipe adapted from The Gourmet Cookbook
Makes about 18 cookies

1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup confectioner's sugar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 egg, lightly beaten
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. baking powder
2 cups all-purpose flour
parchment paper

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Whisk together both sugars in a large bowl. Whisk in oil, egg, vanilla, salt, baking soda, and baking powder until combined.
3. Add flour and stir until dough forms. It will be dry and slightly crumbly. Add a tablespoon or two of water if it is too dry.
4. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Scoop tablespoon-sized balls of dough onto baking sheet. (I used a measuring spoon for this.)
5. Flatten balls of dough with the flat bottom of a glass dipped in granulated sugar. Sprinkle cookies with extra sugar or sprinkles. (Jimmies, if you live in Minnesota.)
6. Bake cookies until set but still pale, about 8-10 minutes. Transfer to racks to cool.

Cake, you are my Everest

"Oh my gosh, Regis. Cody and Cassidy made a prison shank from a rusty nail and a toothbrush last night! It was so cute."

Last night I did battle with this cake. It wasn't pretty. I was so excited to make it - doesn't it look perfect? I don't know what exactly went wrong, but my cake ended up being a Kathie-Lee-Gifford-for K-Mart dress in an Armani world.

This was all probably error on my part, but my almond praline turned into one sugary, almondy lump (no golden-brown crackle in sight), the frosting wasn't substantial enough (too airy) to spread, and the dulce de leche, oh, don't even get me started on the dulce de leche. Culinary genius that I am, I decided making my own would be a great idea. I spent $6 on an f-ing vanilla bean (damn you, Whole Foods!) and two hours waiting for simmering milk to magically turn into a brown caramel-y substance before finally throwing in the towel.

The whole thing left me just wanting Paula Deen (who, in a perfect world, would be my third grandma) to come over and tell me in her syrupy voice that everything would be okay, and then feed me some of her homemade butter pecan ice cream. Which I bet she never fucks up.

But, there were things to be salvaged from this experience. The brown sugar cake part itself actually turned out excellently - very moist, with a surprising amount of caramely brown sugar showing through.

So, today, to prove to myself that I'm not a total failure at life, I made cupcakes.

Brown Sugar Cupcakes with Almond Cream Cheese Frosting
Makes about 16 cupcakes

Brown Sugar Cupcakes

For the cupcakes themselves, I used the brown sugar cake recipe from Bake and Shake. (Just bake the cupcakes in a cupcake tin at 350 degrees for 20 minutes instead, until a toothpick poked in one comes out clean.)

Almond Cream Cheese Frosting

3 Tbsp. butter, room temperature
4 oz. bar cream cheese
1 cup powdered sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 tsp. almond extract

1. In a medium bowl, beat butter and cream cheese until smooth.
2. Add powdered sugar and extracts, beat until light and fluffy. Refrigerate until ready to use.

The French Paradox and the Easiest Dessert Ever

Alors, I eat and eat and yet I gain nozing...

Perhaps one of my favorite things about living in Paris was eating everything in sight and not gaining a pound. I’m not sure if it was all the walking I did or if there was actually something in the water, but I ended up losing weight in France despite eating dessert every day. And we’re not talking fruit, we’re talking gooey, fatty, buttery pastries, or my favorite, crepes. (Were I to live this lifestyle in the States, I would blow up like a pregnant Tori Spelling before you could say "croissant.") My favorite crepe stand was what my friends and I affectionately referred to as “the blue awning place” off Rue de la Huchette (its real name is Boulangerie de Papa) next to the St. Michel Metro. I highly recommend it if you make it to Paris.
Unfortunately, creperies are slightly less ubiquitous here in the states, but luckily these delightful treats are super easy to make at home.

Dessert Crepes
Recipe adapted from The Gourmet Cookbook.
Makes 4 medium-sized crepes.

2 eggs
6 Tbsp. all purpose flour
½ cup milk
A couple pinches of sugar

1. Mix together eggs and flour until blended.
2. Add milk and stir until batter is runny. Add sugar. It will pretty much look like creamy snot at this point.
3. In a crepe pan or medium-large frying pan* pour out ¼ of the batter and swirl the pan around so the batter coats the pan in a thin layer.
4. Cook over high heat for a minute or two, then flip. Once you’ve flipped, you can drizzle on a topping (examples: sugar and lemon juice, Nutella and bananas, whipped cream, paper clips and thumb tacks for enemies, etc.)
5. Fold in half, dust with powdered sugar if desired, serve.

(Note: The Gourmet recipe calls for Grand Marnier. I’m in college and can barely afford the vodka that comes in the plastic bottle, thus, I did not include it. Toss a teaspoon or so in the batter if you like.)

*Is there really a difference as far as the outcome? Methinks no. I'm going to call Brian Williams and suggest crepe pans as an episode topic for "The Fleecing of America."

Boulangerie Photo Credit: B. Rinne

In Which the Protagonist Bakes a Pie

Old Ebbitt Grill is not a good first date spot for me. I've been there twice now on a first date, and it didn't work out either time. The first first date was with a guy who ended up taking my roommate to a concert a couple months later (they were friends) and then kissed her and tried to rip her bra off. A narrow miss. The other was with a man who would only communicate with me via text messages and wanted to introduce me to his mother.

After one date.

What Old Ebbitt does have, however, is one of the most magnificent desserts I have ever tasted: a bourbon-chocolate-walnut pie that is out of this world. I've been wanting to replicate it for quite some time now, and I finally came up with my own version. To make the pie, I tweaked a Mississippi Pecan Pie recipe from the 1000 Best Recipes cookbook, adding walnuts and chocolate chips instead of the pecans. I was a little nervous as to adding bourbon to it, so i just added it to whipped cream and topped it with that. Also, the pie crust may seem like a bit of work (versus buying pre-made), but it's worth it.


Walnut Chocolate-Chip Pie with Bourbon Whipped Cream
Pie recipe adapted from the 1000 Best Recipes Cookbook
Serves 4-6

For the crust:
1 cup all-purpose flour
4 Tbsp. butter
2 Tbsp. powdered sugar
1 egg yolk

For the filling:
5 Tbsp. light corn syrup
1/3 cup dark brown sugar
4 Tbsp. butter
3 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup chopped walnuts
1/2 cup semi-sweet mini morsels

For the whipped cream:
1 cup heavy whipping cream
2 Tbsp. sugar
1 tsp. bourbon

1. Dump the flour in a bowl. Dice the butter into the flour, then mix with your hands until the mixture looks like bread crumbs. Stir in the sugar, egg yolk, and two tablespoons of very cold water. Mix and knead with your hands until the dough is smooth. (Add a bit more water if the dough seems really dry.)
2. Roll out the pastry dough on a lightly floured surface until it is large enough to line an 8-inch pie dish. Line the dish with the pastry and prick the bottom with a fork a couple times, then line the crust with foil filled with beans or pie weights (this will weigh the pie crust down so it doesn't bubble up when baking.) Chill for 30 minutes and preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
3. Bake the pie shell blind (alone) for 10 minutes. Remove the foil and beans/weights and continue to bake the crust for 5 more minutes.
4. Reduce the oven temperature to 350 degrees.
5. To make the filling, heat the corn syrup, brown sugar, and butter in a saucepan over medium heat until the sugar dissolves. Remove from the heat and cool slightly. Whisk in the eggs and vanilla extract. Stir in the walnuts and chocolate chips (but you don't have to stir until the chocolate melts - it's better if it doesn't.)
6. Freak out because the filling looks very liquidy, but pour it in to the crust anyway, and trust that everything will work out better than my first dates. Bake for 35-40 minutes until the filling is set.
7. While that's baking, whip together the cream, sugar, and bourbon with an electric mixer until peaks form and it resembles, well, whipped cream. Feel free to add a bit more whiskey, if you'd like. Serve with the pie.

Why, yes, in fact, I AM a tool. Also, here is a very fugly tart:

"No, Keith, you can't Taser an eight-year-old just because they cut you in line to get to Harry Potter. You're 47. Deal with it."

Harry Potter mania has gripped the nation, enchanting pre-pubescents and 40-something basement-dwelling fantasy fiction aficionados alike. The seventh installment was released today, and it is everywhere. Like counting Christmas trees, I've been counting the number of books I've seen people carrying (although I've yet to see one tied to the roof of a car.) Three in the nail salon, two people on random benches reading, one under the arm of a crazed-looking woman in the elevator, two in the gym (okay, one of them was mine - I opted for the stationary bike so I could read while exercising, and let me tell you, it is intense.)
My roommate pre-ordered hers on Amazon, and has been running to the front door every hour on the hour to see if it's arrived. Two hours, ago, she left to go sit on a baby or something to that effect, and asked me to keep and eye out on the front stoop for it and "make sure nothing happens to it." This was said with the all the gravity of someone expecting a live infant or small animal to be dropped on the doorstep. Well, lo and behold, the mailman decided to come when I was at the gym and no one was home, and instead of leaving the book on the doorstep, he left a slip requesting her to come pick it up at the post office. Heartless bastard. The kicker is, the post office closed at 4 and isn't open again until Monday. I can only imagine the bloodbath that will ensue when my roommate returns.
In the spirit of Harry Potter, though, I decided to make a treacle tart last night, an English dessert that appears frequently in the books. This is typically made with something called golden syrup, which is a byproduct of molasses production, and is found at specialty food stores. Since I didn't feel like journeying to the seventh circle of hell in pursuit of this elusive substance, I tracked down a recipe that uses maple syrup instead. It turned out...interestingly. I'm not sure I did anything wrong - the texture of the pie was fine, etc., it was just an odd taste. I don't know. Try it, see if you like it. If you don't, go give it to the Harry Potter weirdo who lives next door.

Treacle Tart
Recipe adapted from the 1000 Best-Ever Recipes cookbook.
Serves 4-6.

Almost a cup of maple syrup (a little more than ¾ a cup)
1 ½ cups plain breadcrumbs
Grated rind of 1 lemon
2 Tbsp. fresh lemon juice
2 circles (1 box) pre-made pie crust, chilled (why make your own when that little doughboy does it for you?)

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
2. Line an 8-inch pie dish with one of the circles of pie crust, being sure to press it flush against the sides of the pan. If there is extra pastry hanging over the edges of the pan, fold it under, then crimp the edges with your fingers. Mine always tends to look hopelessly lopsided.
3. In a saucepan, warm the syrup until it’s thin and runny. Stir in the breadcrumbs and lemon rind. (If the mixture seems too dry, add a bit more syrup.) Let sit for 10 minutes, then stir in the lemon juice.
4. Spread the syrup/bread crumb mixture into the pie dish.
5. Unroll the other pie crust circle and slice into thin strips with a pizza cutter. Mutter curse words (softly, if there's kids in the audience) when you can’t cut even-looking strips.
5. Lay four strips of pastry vertically over the pie filling, then four horizontally, making a criss-cross pattern.
6. Bake on 400 for 10 minutes, then lower the heat to 350 and bake another 15-20 minutes until golden brown.
7. Serve with ice cream or whipped cream, and wonder why wizards like this shit so much.