Cupcake Week

In case you haven't noticed, I enjoy cupcakes. A lot. Imagine my delight and surprise, then, when I found out that it is Cupcake Week on the Martha show! Woot woot. Let's have a parade. Or not.

All week long, Martha will be talking down to us as she shows us how to make her favorite cupcakes. Clearly, no matter how hard we try, our cupcakes will not be as perfect as hers, but we dare to dream, friends.

Today, Martha had the ladies of Cupcakes Take the Cake on her show, which was pretty cool, and showed us how to make her favorite coconut cupcakes with seven minute frosting, while shamelessly plugging her Macy's line of products.

My favorite part was when she was all, "I carved open a coconut from my very own self-sustaining Tahitian coconut farm and made coconut chips for the topping. Then I carved the shell into a decorative bowl. That's on my website."

Okay, maybe I embellished a bit, but don't real people just buy the pre-flaked sweetened coconut in a bag, toast it in the oven, and call it a day?

In any case, if you enjoy feeling inferior and if you have the love-hate for Martha as I do, tune in this week and watch her in all her cupcake glory.

Photo Credit: marthastewart.com

The power of...willpower?

This would happen the week I cut junkfood out of my life. Someone go eat these for me.

Photo credit: New York Social Diary

Cupcakes full of carrots and shame

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't squeeze my love handles in public, Carl."

So begins the week with that dreaded holiday that I won't even mention by name. I'm sure before Wednesday is out I will have shared my feelings about it with the online community, but for now, I will rein them in. Instead, I'll share with you one of the weekend's extracurriculars, aside from mixing every alcohol ever conceived by man in my system on Friday night and a Saturday afternoon of hangover-impaired Guitar Hero. (At what age is it socially inacceptable for men to still play video games? As long as I get a turn to play "My Name is Jonas" on Medium every now and again I won't complain about the manchildren with whom I associate.)

In any case, I made these cupcakes, and they had a bizarre effect on everyone who came in contact with them. People were eating them in multiples like. whoa. I watched the Boy eat four in a row while watching 30 Rock on DVD. Not even looking at the plate, just straight up lifting and inserting in mouth. Hot. My roommate, the raised-in-a-house-with-no-junkfood-and-therefore-does-not-eat-it one (the horror), LICKED THE FROSTING BEATERS like they were Brad Pitt's abs, people. And then ate two cupcakes and walked around in a daze; she didn't know what to make of the sugar high. I ate, uh, five in the past 24 hours. Judge me. I don't know what it is - it's just carrot cake for crying out loud. Carrot cake is humble - I feel like farmers probably eat a lot of it, and people aren't usually like, "GAH, I just need a dessert featuring root vegetables!" But for some reason, these cupcakes are so moistly scrumptious that, well, not to be dramatic, but resistance is pretty much futile.

Carrot Cake Cupcakes

Makes about 22 cupcakes

Recipe adapted from Ina

Cupcakes:

2 cups sugar

1 1/3 cups vegetable oil

1 tsp. vanilla extract

3 eggs

2 cups all-purpose flour

2 tsp. ground cinnamon

2 tsp. baking soda

10 oz. shredded carrots, chopped into tiny bits

Frosting:

12 oz. cream cheese, room temperature

1 1/2 sticks of butter, room temperature

1 tsp. vanilla extract

3/4 lb. confectioner's sugar

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

2. Beat the sugar, oil, and vanilla together in a large bowl with an electric mixer.

3. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating to combine.

4. In another bowl, sift together the flour, cinnamon, and baking soda.

5. Add half of the flour mixture to the sugar and oil mixture, beating on low to combine.

6. Add the chopped carrots to the remaining flour and mix well to coat, then add to the batter and mix until just combined.

7. Line muffin pans with paper liners. Scoop the batter into 22 muffin cups until each is half full.

8. Bake cupcakes at 400 degrees for 10 minutes, then lower temperature to 350 degrees and bake for another 20-25 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean.

9. Meanwhile, make the frosting: Cream the cream cheese, butter, and vanilla in a bowl with an electric mixer. Add confectioner's sugar a bit at a time until you reach desired sweetness. (I ended up using about 3/4 of a pound.)

10. Once cupcakes have cooled frost them generously and dust with a little cinammon sugar if you feel so inclined.

Notes:

• Ina (who I used to actually think was a shoeless, cooking Contessa) calls for 1 cup of raisins, and 1 cup of chopped walnuts. The person I made these for feels that it is blasphemy to have any other ya-yas but carrots in carrot cake ("Otherwise it would be called Carrot-Raisin-Walnut Cake, Kate"), so I left them out. It's your call, but I imagine they'd be good. Just stir 'em in with the carrots.
• Ina also says to fill the muffin cups 3/4 of the way full. I did this at first, but the batter was cooking up over the top resulting in flat-looking cupcakes. The flat tops, however, were really delicious and crispy, almost cookie-like in texture, and contrasted nicely with the moist cake underneath. They were pretty ugly, though, so if aesthetics is your thing, fill them only halfway.
• And finally, Ina, God love her, said to bake these puppies for 45 minutes, which I found was way too long.

The best way is to stuff six in your mouth at once, Britney-style.

Then run red lights. Preferably accompanied by unbuckled toddlers and a parenting coach.

Cake, you are my Everest

"Oh my gosh, Regis. Cody and Cassidy made a prison shank from a rusty nail and a toothbrush last night! It was so cute."

Last night I did battle with this cake. It wasn't pretty. I was so excited to make it - doesn't it look perfect? I don't know what exactly went wrong, but my cake ended up being a Kathie-Lee-Gifford-for K-Mart dress in an Armani world.

This was all probably error on my part, but my almond praline turned into one sugary, almondy lump (no golden-brown crackle in sight), the frosting wasn't substantial enough (too airy) to spread, and the dulce de leche, oh, don't even get me started on the dulce de leche. Culinary genius that I am, I decided making my own would be a great idea. I spent $6 on an f-ing vanilla bean (damn you, Whole Foods!) and two hours waiting for simmering milk to magically turn into a brown caramel-y substance before finally throwing in the towel.

The whole thing left me just wanting Paula Deen (who, in a perfect world, would be my third grandma) to come over and tell me in her syrupy voice that everything would be okay, and then feed me some of her homemade butter pecan ice cream. Which I bet she never fucks up.

But, there were things to be salvaged from this experience. The brown sugar cake part itself actually turned out excellently - very moist, with a surprising amount of caramely brown sugar showing through.

So, today, to prove to myself that I'm not a total failure at life, I made cupcakes.

Brown Sugar Cupcakes with Almond Cream Cheese Frosting
Makes about 16 cupcakes

Brown Sugar Cupcakes

For the cupcakes themselves, I used the brown sugar cake recipe from Bake and Shake. (Just bake the cupcakes in a cupcake tin at 350 degrees for 20 minutes instead, until a toothpick poked in one comes out clean.)

Almond Cream Cheese Frosting

3 Tbsp. butter, room temperature
4 oz. bar cream cheese
1 cup powdered sugar
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 tsp. almond extract

1. In a medium bowl, beat butter and cream cheese until smooth.
2. Add powdered sugar and extracts, beat until light and fluffy. Refrigerate until ready to use.

I self-medicate with baked goods.

Just plain fat and sassy.

Yesterday could best be described as angsty. My emotions were stuck somewhere back in 1999 (the fourteenth year of my existence, when I constantly just wanted to be left alone.) Absolutely nothing and everything was wrong – and I knew it from the start of the day when I found myself STANDING ON THE LEFT SIDE of the Metro escalator, completely oblivious until I heard the very audible sighs of fellow passengers behind me. The shame! I know better – I’m usually the one audibly sighing at the escalefters. (If any non-DC residents are reading this, standing on the left is as morally reprehensible as admitting you like shaking babies or mowing down elderly pedestrians on your Vespa.)

After a crummy start, the day just didn’t get better. Nothing bad happened, there is nothing emotionally scarring going on in my life (newly-minted boyfriend is fun and British, and life at my house is as drama-free as possible when you live with five other girls), but I couldn’t shake this general malaise that made me want to run home, slam my door, scream at a mother (any mother would do, really) about how she just doesn’t GET IT, and then play Sad People Music and wallow.

Instead, I baked. Cupcakes. And then everything was slightly better.

Banana-Hazelnut Cupcakes with Nutella Buttercream Frosting

Banana-Hazelnut Cupcakes
(Cupcake recipe adapted from Cupcake Bakeshop)
Makes about 22 cupcakes

3 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. salt
3 medium bananas
½ cup buttermilk
3 large eggs
¾ cup vegetable oil
1 tsp. vanilla extract
½ cup chopped hazelnuts

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. In a largeish bowl, mix flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder together.
3. Blend bananas and buttermilk in a blender or food processor until smooth.
4. In another bowl, combine banana gloop from blender, eggs, veggie oil, and vanilla.
5. Fold flour mixture into wet mixture then stir in hazelnuts.
6. Spoon into cupcake papers until about ¾ full.
7. Bake for 20-22 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean.
8. Let cupcakes cool completely, then pipe on frosting and top with a caramelized banana disk or any extra hazelnuts.

Nutella Buttercream Frosting
(Recipe adapted from here.)

¼ cup butter, softened
½ cup Nutella, foodstuff of the gods
3 cups powdered sugar
3 Tbsp. milk
pinch of salt
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Dump all ingredients in a bowl and beat on high until fluffy and frosting-like. Add more milk if needed.

Caramelized Banana Disks
(from Cupcake Bakeshop)

1 Tbsp. butter
a pinch or two of sugar
1 banana

Slice banana into thin disks. Melt some butter in a small skillet, then gently drop banana slices in and sprinkle with sugar. (It’s probably best to do this in batches.) Sauté bananas for a minute or two until they turn brownish and slightly crisp. Remove and blot on paper towels or old term papers.

Troubleshooting. Smugly, like Trent the IT guy:

1. The cupcakes turned out to be muffins masquerading as cupcakes. Phantom of the Opera comes to mind (“MASQUERAAAAADE, cupcake faces on paraaaaade.”) Wow, moving on. To be fair, the website I got the recipe from said that the recipe was too dense and needed more work, but, I, like the rebel I am, skipped over reading the notes to very dense muffin-like results. Blast. I’m not sure what would rectify this. Suggestions? Okay, so I’m not as good as Trent at troubleshooting.

2. The frosting was incredible. Just sayin’. But, with a tendency to melt. You might want to pop the cupcakes in the fridge for a bit to let the frosting harden after, well, you frost.

3. IMPORTANT: I ran out of frosting by cupcake number 18, so I just used plain Nutella to frost the rest. Sheer laziness on my part, but I suggest doubling the frosting recipe.

4. The banana disk things were very greasy. I suggest if you use them as garnish, you blot them very well beforehand; otherwise they will slide right off the frosted cupcake in a buttery mess.

Cookies and (Butter)cream Cupcakes, or, the reason why my pants don't fit this morning

If you want a better picture, buy me a better camera.

Last night, I went to a barbecue at the Delta Chi house. Being the Southern girl that I am, I didn’t want to go empty-handed so I cooked up this recipe and these hot little babies turned out to be delicious. The cookie-crust bottom adds a yummy crunch and a bit of a surprise. (One guy told me they were the best cupcakes he’d ever had, and began referring to me oh-so-creatively as Cupcake Girl. Of course, it’s very possible that he was too intoxicated to remember my name, so I’m not sure if that’s necessarily a compliment.)

Cookies and (Butter)cream Cupcakes

Cookie Cupcakes
( basic cupcake recipe adapted from Cupcake Bakeshop)
Makes 24-26 regular-size cupcakes

1 cup (2 sticks) salted butter, room temperature, plus another ½ cup for melting
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
2 ¾ cups of your average Joe, all-purpose flour
1 ½ tsp. baking powder
1 cup milk
2 tsp. vanilla extract
3 cups (about 25) Oreos, beaten up like a red-headed stepchild

1. Eat an Oreo. Just to make sure they’re not rotten. In fact, better eat two.
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees, and put the cupcake papers in your muffin tin(s). I suggest using the blue ones. If you use pink, people will know you’re an amateur.
3. In a large mixing bowl, beat 1 cup of butter briefly on high until soft.
4. Add in sugar, beating until light and fluffy.
5. Add eggs one at a time and beat for a bit between each.
6. Add flour, baking powder, milk, and vanilla. Mix to combine.
7. Stir in ¾ cup of Oreo crumbs. Resist urge to slather batter all over your body and lick it off. (Oh, that’s just me? Uh...nevermind.)
8. Set batter aside, then melt ½ cup butter in the microwave.
9. To make cookie crust bottom: In a separate bowl, mix together melted butter and 2 cups of Oreo crumbs. (These should be really finely smushed.)
10. Place a spoonful of the buttery cookie crumbs in each cupcake paper and press down firmly so that it coats the bottom.
11. Top the cookie crust with a heaping scoop of cupcake batter. The cups should be about two-thirds full.
12. Bake for 20-22 minutes until a toothpick (or, if you’re poor/frugal/sensible and don’t want to waste money on toothpicks, the non-lighting end of a match) comes out clean.
13. Let cupcakes cool COMPLETELY before frosting. After frosting, sprinkle remaining Oreo crumbs on top.

Vanilla Buttercream Frosting

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, room temperature
2 cups powdered sugar
2 ¼ tsp. vanilla extract
½ cup milk

1. Beat butter until creamy.
2. Add powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk, and beat until combined.

Here’s some issues with this recipe. Let’s work through them like Lindsay Lohan and her rehab counselor:

- The cookie crust turned out a little too buttery/greasy after baking. Granted, it was still crunchy and delicious, but when I pulled the cupcakes out of their tin, the butter had soaked through the bottom of the paper. Gross. I would suggest only adding as much butter to the crumbs as necessary to make them sticky. (1/3 cup, perhaps?)

- The frosting is, well, a work in progress. It turned out very VERY buttery and thick, but also very sweet, so I was hesitant to add more powdered sugar. If you have a buttercream recipe you’re more comfortable with, I suggest using that. If you do choose to use this recipe, make sure you wait until the cupcakes have really cooled, otherwise the frosting will melt like…well, butter.