Oh no, that’s not a pot of gold. That’s CHEESE, baby.

Restaurant Week in a nutshell: Great for the wallet, shit for the waistline.

Case in point: dinner at The Melting Pot in Dupont last night. So much food! For $30.07, we got a four (4!) course meal that was immensely satisfying, and by satisfying I mean I felt like throwing up due to the sheer amount of food consumed, always a sign of a successful restaurant outing. I also felt quite smug at only paying 30 bucks for a meal that would probably cost upwards of 60, until I realized that on the second Tuesday of every month, they do a “Girl’s Night Out” thing and offer the same menu for…30 bucks. Exit smugness.

The first course was melted cheese with bread, apples, and (bizarrely) carrots and celery. What kind of fatass dips his carrots and celery in melted cheese? Like, hey! I’ve got some carrots…damn, I wish I had some nacho cheese. That would really make these veggies fantastic. In any case, all was well because fatass-ness is highly encouraged at The Melting Pot.

There’s a bunch of different cheeses to choose from, and since there were ten of us, we got three different kinds: the Wisconsin Trio (because everyone enjoys a threesome), cheddar, and fiesta! (Exclamation point is required for the fiesta! cheese.) The Wisconsin was definitely the best – creamy and sharp, with a sherry and white wine base, so you know it’s classy. Plus, from what I’ve heard, Wisconsin is just awesome. (Advice: don’t order the fiesta! – just go home and zap some Velveeta and salsa in the microwave.)

Next, the salad course. I had the California salad, which was greens, walnuts, and Gorgonzola (mmm…I love the taste of feet) and a walnut-raspberry vinaigrette. I ordered it because I was feeling masochistic and wanted to punish myself with smelly cheese.

I knew the meat course would be good. Who doesn’t love frying assorted pieces of animal in a vat of hot oil? They gave us two types of chicken, two tiny shrimp, some balsamic-marinated steak (yum), and a bizarre noodle-thing that tasted like it had cheesy mashed potatoes in the middle. After a 30-minute tutorial on proper fondue/frying techniques (terms like, “cross contamination” and “search-and-rescue spoon” were thrown around with complete seriousness), our waitress let us have at it. The oil was a-bubblin’, tempura batter was a-flyin’, good times were had by all. Oh! They also give you squash, mushrooms, broccoli, and potatoes. Potatoes take fucking forever to fry. Dot, my inner fat girl, was really irate.

Finally, the dessert arrived. We got three different types of chocolate – Cookies and Cream (white and dark chocolate and cookie crumbs), dark chocolate with peppermint Schnapps, and the Flaming Turtle (chocolate, caramel, and nuts that is LIT ON FIRE.) Honest to god, if I ever own a business I’m naming it the Flaming Turtle (e.g. Flaming Turtle Pub and Restaurant, Flaming Turtle Lawn Maintenance, Flaming Turtle Attorneys at Law.) These pots of chocolatey goodness were served with biscotti, bananas, strawberries, a tiny brownie, a single cube of pound cake (stingy, much?), some marshmallows, and a hunk of CHEESECAKE. Joygasm.

So, needless to say, I left the Melting Pot fat, sassy, and satiated, with the delightful smell of cooking oil lingering in my hair.

It was a great night.